Insecurity

To post or not to post?

It’s moments like these when I overthink what to write and end up feeling stuck. I’m not stuck in the true sense of the term, but just relatively tied up by my perfectionism. Either way, I’m here and I’m writing.

This week I hit an important personal milestone by deciding to make a public Instagram account for my blog. Now, that might not seem like news, but for someone who struggles with sharing their work, it’s a big deal.

The idea came about two years ago, of which I completely ignored. In order to pacify that internal nag, I first created my private blog. Then, when the nagging continued, I made it public. I knew I eventually would have to tie my blog into my personal Instagram account, but that would come much later. Still, I was procrastinating.

Why was I procrastinating, you ask? I was (and am still) afraid. I’m afraid of sharing a part of myself that I feel like I’ve kept hidden from family and friends. Putting my work, my opinion, my thoughts out on display for others to see is one of the scariest things I’ve done.

And by going public I feel a greater sense of responsibility, one that I’ve been afraid to have. Now, I have to own up to what I’ve always wanted, to share my work with more people.

It has taken me much time (and patience) to get to this point, but I’m finally taking this step. I’m eventually going to move this blog over to my new Squarespace domain (yes, I took that step too!), but I’ll link it once it’s up and running.

To bigger and better things,
Cecilia

P.S. Here’s a podcast I listened to this week about “Dreaming Big” from Three Point Perspective podcast. It’s worth a listen.

Standard
Insecurity

Shadow shows

I pictured myself underwater, the skies dark, as I swam toward something that I knew was an anchor. I reached for it and pulled myself toward it knowing, feeling as though it was the only thing I had left.

In these last two months, I have felt alone, sad, frustrated, full of grief. Each feeling adding on to the next, anger being the most recent. Even with things that I thought would excite me, like having time to draw, my motivation has been low. Everything feels pointless, meaningless almost.

I’ve tried for the last few weeks to keep things “light,” intentionally staying away from referring to the pandemic and sharing how it has been affecting me personally. It was my way of keeping things positive, a way of not adding another burden to whoever read my blog or came across my posts.

But the more I operated out of that mindset, the more I felt like a phony. It didn’t matter whether I shared somber or genuinely positive material, something was still getting in the way—it was my subconscious expectation to ignore the pain.

So, as a means to clear the air with myself, I recognize my need to be honest and acknowledge that sometimes that includes uncomfortable realities and contradicting sentiments. Moving forward, I will share stories and drawings from a place of permission. May I return to this page whenever I need reminding of that.

Playing with shadows.
Standard