Insecurity

To post or not to post?

It’s moments like these when I overthink what to write and end up feeling stuck. I’m not stuck in the true sense of the term, but just relatively tied up by my perfectionism. Either way, I’m here and I’m writing.

This week I hit an important personal milestone by deciding to make a public Instagram account for my blog. Now, that might not seem like news, but for someone who struggles with sharing their work, it’s a big deal.

The idea came about two years ago, of which I completely ignored. In order to pacify that internal nag, I first created my private blog. Then, when the nagging continued, I made it public. I knew I eventually would have to tie my blog into my personal Instagram account, but that would come much later. Still, I was procrastinating.

Why was I procrastinating, you ask? I was (and am still) afraid. I’m afraid of sharing a part of myself that I feel like I’ve kept hidden from family and friends. Putting my work, my opinion, my thoughts out on display for others to see is one of the scariest things I’ve done.

And by going public I feel a greater sense of responsibility, one that I’ve been afraid to have. Now, I have to own up to what I’ve always wanted, to share my work with more people.

It has taken me much time (and patience) to get to this point, but I’m finally taking this step. I’m eventually going to move this blog over to my new Squarespace domain (yes, I took that step too!), but I’ll link it once it’s up and running.

To bigger and better things,
Cecilia

P.S. Here’s a podcast I listened to this week about “Dreaming Big” from Three Point Perspective podcast. It’s worth a listen.

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drawing

Tomorrow: Draw with me!

After I posted my photo light box tutorial on Instagram this Saturday, I thought why not go Live and shoot while I draw?

So, if you’re free tomorrow (4/2) at 1:30 pm (EDT), join me on Instagram (@cee_en_) to let loose for a while and draw whatever’s in front of you. Don’t worry, we’re all amateurs.

See you then!

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Courage

Standing up and the aftermath

This is the first time (ever) that I show up in front of the camera for one of my Instagram stories.

This is a big deal because I consciously tend to hide behind the camera to avoid exposing myself. Not out of shyness (because we all know that’s not true) but out of fear.

For a very long time I have believed that I cannot speak up, stand up for myself, or share my own opinion. That it would be best if I quieted, never said a word, because I wasn’t supposed to. That even if I tried, it would all prove futile.

All of this stems from childhood trauma, living in an environment that reiterated this message over and over. Yet now that I am out, it still haunts me in the form of fear.

More and more, in these last two weeks, I have seen how much my fearful self tends to get in the way. Although she is only trying to help, there is no need for survival anymore. That reality is gone.

The aftermath of my session.

So now I get to pick up the pieces of both my responses to life and my tutorial. Now, I am off to go watch A Ghost Story. Suiting, isn’t it?

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