Insecurity

To post or not to post?

It’s moments like these when I overthink what to write and end up feeling stuck. I’m not stuck in the true sense of the term, but just relatively tied up by my perfectionism. Either way, I’m here and I’m writing.

This week I hit an important personal milestone by deciding to make a public Instagram account for my blog. Now, that might not seem like news, but for someone who struggles with sharing their work, it’s a big deal.

The idea came about two years ago, of which I completely ignored. In order to pacify that internal nag, I first created my private blog. Then, when the nagging continued, I made it public. I knew I eventually would have to tie my blog into my personal Instagram account, but that would come much later. Still, I was procrastinating.

Why was I procrastinating, you ask? I was (and am still) afraid. I’m afraid of sharing a part of myself that I feel like I’ve kept hidden from family and friends. Putting my work, my opinion, my thoughts out on display for others to see is one of the scariest things I’ve done.

And by going public I feel a greater sense of responsibility, one that I’ve been afraid to have. Now, I have to own up to what I’ve always wanted, to share my work with more people.

It has taken me much time (and patience) to get to this point, but I’m finally taking this step. I’m eventually going to move this blog over to my new Squarespace domain (yes, I took that step too!), but I’ll link it once it’s up and running.

To bigger and better things,
Cecilia

P.S. Here’s a podcast I listened to this week about “Dreaming Big” from Three Point Perspective podcast. It’s worth a listen.

Standard
Creativity, quick write

You didn’t see anything

I bought a $3 notebook at T.J.Maxx the other day despite it not having my initials embossed. I was in search of a inexpensive replacement for my journal — I liked the look and size of this one, and I knew I had something at home to cover up the letter A.

A little digging and voilà! Nothing a Fran Meneses sticker can’t fix.

Now, I’m ready to go.

Standard
Creativity, encouragement, haiku, Insecurity

Life of a Romantic

I seem to be waiting for a creative wind to come and suddenly motivate me to write, but that only happens when it wants to. I wrote a haiku about it.

I have been thinking
why wait for inspiration
if it never comes

Waiting for inspiration (of any sort) is my go-to. I don’t normally do something if I’m not in the mood to do it. I’ve been doing this since I can last remember. But the more I get through these socially-distanced days, the more I see that it’s not an effective way to live.

My moods will always vary. If some days I feel like doing things but not others, then will I ever find a true rhythm to my creative practice? Will it ever become a “practice” at all?

I need to change this pattern, or at least interrupt it. Since I know I have a tendency to wait on the winds of chance, I need to set up a regular time to write, draw, etc. It will go against my natural way of operating, but it will help me begin a true practice, regardless of inspiration.

Standard
Insecurity

Shadow shows

I pictured myself underwater, the skies dark, as I swam toward something that I knew was an anchor. I reached for it and pulled myself toward it knowing, feeling as though it was the only thing I had left.

In these last two months, I have felt alone, sad, frustrated, full of grief. Each feeling adding on to the next, anger being the most recent. Even with things that I thought would excite me, like having time to draw, my motivation has been low. Everything feels pointless, meaningless almost.

I’ve tried for the last few weeks to keep things “light,” intentionally staying away from referring to the pandemic and sharing how it has been affecting me personally. It was my way of keeping things positive, a way of not adding another burden to whoever read my blog or came across my posts.

But the more I operated out of that mindset, the more I felt like a phony. It didn’t matter whether I shared somber or genuinely positive material, something was still getting in the way—it was my subconscious expectation to ignore the pain.

So, as a means to clear the air with myself, I recognize my need to be honest and acknowledge that sometimes that includes uncomfortable realities and contradicting sentiments. Moving forward, I will share stories and drawings from a place of permission. May I return to this page whenever I need reminding of that.

Playing with shadows.
Standard
Creativity, sketches

A ghoulish morning

I haven’t been writing much, but this last week I connected with people I haven’t seen in years. I’m talking close to seven years since I last saw some of them, some of who I never thought I’d be catching up with.

I may not have posted about these experiences, but I count this time spent with them as part of the creative process. Just as you let things simmer in order to intensify in flavor, so does conversation and interaction feed the work you’re doing, sometimes without even knowing it.

Talk is the exercise ground for writing. It is the way we learn about communication—what makes people interested, what makes them bored… Talk is a way to warm up for the big game—the hours you write alone with your pen and notebook.

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones (84).

To keep the flow going, I’ve lined up a few more conversations for this week, mainly with other artists. I’m excited to see what comes of them.

Also, for kicks, here’s this morning ghoul in boots, inspired by an artist I once met in Chapultepec, MX. I felt like keeping the ghoulish theme going.

Inspired by @mcfly.
Standard
encouragement

Corazón cantante

Algo que mejoró mi día fue escuchar a Silvana Estrada cantar en vivo en Instagram este miércoles pasado. Como varios músicos durante esta cuarentena, Silvana cantó desde la comodidad de su casa, llegando a las salas de sus escuchantes. Yo andaba en mi cuarto y acababa de terminar mi trabajo cuando me topé con su video en vivo. Sin querer, estaba a tiempo.

Con tan solo escucharla tocar, mi corazón se alegró de una forma inesperada. Sentí una emoción correr dentro de mí que casi me hacía llorar. El sonido del cuatro y la letra de sus canciones invocaron un sentimiento profundo, parecido al momento cuando recuerdas algo que habías olvidado desde hace mucho tiempo.

Fue un encuentro no tan solo con la música, pero con algo de mí misma. Me reencontré con la idea de que yo también puedo ser como ella, no en el mundo musical si no en el ámbito creativo. Que, aunque unas veces no lo vea, yo también puedo reflejar esa luz.

Aquí Silvana canta “Carta,” una de mis canciones favoritas suyas.

Standard
Insecurity

It’s been foggy

So, I know it’s been a week since I said I was going to be posting “every other day,” and I have yet to do so.

It’s been hard, this week. I’ve been foggy and unsure as to why I can’t seem to prioritize the things I want (and know I need) to do that keep me going.

It might be the weather. It might be me. But it might, in fact, be both.

I’m sad to see how distracted I get, to recognize how cluttered my mind is and not know what to do with it. And I freeze.

Where do you begin when it seems like it’s too much to start? When the answer is not easy?

This morning’s thoughts.
Standard
Creativity

Know thyself

Here are a couple of things about me that I’ve learned in these last two years that, for the most part, are true:

  1. Whenever I say that I’m “trying” to do something (i.e. trying to eat healthier), it actually means I’m just thinking about the idea, not actually doing it.
  2. However, whenever I say that I’m “thinking about” doing something (i.e. thinking about joining a gym), it actually means I’ve made up my mind to do so but have yet to implement it.

It’s confusing, I know, but this is how I roll.

With that said, I’ve been trying to come up with a weekly system for sharing things on my blog and have been thinking about creating a basic daily schedule for my creative projects.

In other words, I have yet to figure out how often I’m going to be sharing and the time of day when I’ll be sharing them.

As of now, I have the tendency to write toward the end of the day, but (as you might have guessed) it tends to interfere with my sleep schedule. And although it would be ideal to wake up and immediately start writing, it’s not realistic.

So, all that is to say that I’m going to be posting at least every other day in order to keep sharing and keep work flowing. I had yet to be clear about it and thought now would be the opportune time.

All I know is, there’s a lot to write about.

Standard
humor, Insecurity

I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the emperor’s groove…

It’s 2:30 a.m., and I’ve literally been drafting this post for the last three and a half hours. I’ve held on for this long to ensure that I at least post something.

Despite having a running list of things to share, fear has been getting the best of me. It’s been like this since the beginning of December, which is worrisome. I’m working on dismantling it.

Standard
Creativity

It’s time to face it

I was walking toward the train station at Fairbanks St. yesterday when I looked up to the sky to reflect on an idea coming to mind: I think I need to “come out” to myself about my creative life.

The thought was in reference to Jerry Before Seinfeld, when Jerry jokes about his experience of “coming out” to his parents about wanting to become a comedian.

On the night his parents first see him perform, Jerry reflects:

I was so nervous that night, because I was showing them this whole side of myself, it was like my little gay-closet moment, you know, where I had to say, “Mom, Dad, I’m…I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m a funny person.”

Jerry jokes about now wanting to have a “funny lifestyle” and having “funny friends.”

Although I have creative projects here and there (most of which I don’t finish) and post elements of them on Instagram, I still lack the internal “oomph” to own that creativity is a (big) part of my life.

I surround myself with colors and things that inspire me, yet I feel like I haven’t fully embraced this part of myself. I feel like I haven’t really let myself go.

And that’s what I’m missing.

Admitting, accepting, and acting on the fact that I’m a “creative person” (as Jerry might put it) would only bring more beauty to this world.

So why not share it?

Standard